The Holiday Season Is In Full Swing.
By Kristen Eriksen.
The holiday season is in full swing as I sit to write today. We have all enjoyed Thanksgiving 2022, or should I say we survived it? Did you have the Thanksgiving that you wanted to have? My guess is that you probably did not have a traditional one. Was it calm? Relaxing? If you are raising someone with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders), it may not have been like in your past. Did anyone melt down? Did you have to leave early? Did you wish you had skipped the whole thing? Well, Laura and I are going to tell you some of the ideas we have used or wish we had used to change your thinking about how to celebrate the holidays, or any out of the ordinary day in our journey. Our kids have extra needs and communicate them in different ways.
Many of the reasons that the holidays are a challenge is because of the
Loss of routine
Over-stimulation
Sensory overwhelm
Junk food & late nights
Lots of travel time
Social demands and misfires
Unmet expectations
First, remember this-
Second, if you haven’t figured this out yet, your holidays will not be what you ever pictured for your family. That really is true for everyone, but more for parents with children with special needs. THEIR expectations are different from ours. Transition and change in routine, whether you are talking holidays or just any unexpected change is so overwhelming for our kids.
I have researched many blogs and articles about handling the holidays with children with special needs, and compiled the suggestions into one list of the most applicable suggestions. Most have similar ideas that we can all try. I will elaborate and/or give my somewhat unique perspective on the ideas listed below.
Invest in You
Do Your Own Thing Guilt-Free
Keep It Simple
Less is More
Stop Trying to Make Everyone Else Happy
Leave Early
Pick & Choose Where You Go
Bring Food
I am lumping these 8 together because they all have a bit of the same idea so suggestions can fit into any of the above categories. If you don’t invest in you, you can’t keep giving like we do. Buy prepared items instead of making them, offer to bring something that is easy for you. Bring things that your kids like and want to be sure that those choices are available for them. Bring what your kids will eat, or a treat that is special. Bring low sugar items, caffeine free sodas etc. if those additives cause more trouble for your family.
Do your best to get a good night's sleep before a holiday gathering. Cancel last minute if you are just not feeling up to it or your kiddos are having an off day. Sometimes I make an offer of a certain length to stay if I don’t outright cancel. Think of yourself and your family first.
Honestly, don’t go if it seems like it will be too much. Politely decline an invitation and stay home! I often tell my family that I don’t honestly know if we will be able to make it or not. I will let them know either way once I know how our day is going. Have a quiet holiday season and skip all the gatherings! That may just be the best year ever!
Bring two vehicles so that you can make a clean getaway quickly without removing the entire family. Plan for how long you will stay and be sure the host knows that this is the plan. If you see things starting to go south, then it is time to go. I bet you all know when enough is enough, or that it is better to get while the gettin's good! Set a time and then say your goodbyes before a meltdown has a chance to happen.
Have small gatherings during the season with only a few people at a time and have some at your own home if that is more comfortable. I must add here that currently my house is a mess, so I won’t be hosting anyone at my home!
If you really think your child may have a very difficult time at a certain function or party, politely decline. Cancel last minute if you see a difficult day from the beginning
My best rule of thumb for years now has been to do ONE thing a day. No more. The second event always ends up in disaster. Too much stress and need for transitioning. Too much unfamiliar territory.
Supervise, supervise, supervise!
I cannot stress this enough! Our kids turn on a dime, and we really need to be checking on them constantly. Our kids dysmaturity means that they are younger than we or others think that they are. They will act much younger than their age. If they are acting 6 years old, you would not leave them unattended during an entire function. Because of this, many ideas in this next part of the list can really help to keep them occupied.
Think Like a Boy Scout
Bring Activities
Noise Cancelling Headphones
Give Them a Job
Cushion Overstimulation
Familiarity Breeds Calm
Pre-Teach Sensory Regulation Tools
Shared Activities to Connect Family
Be prepared! Bring Gingerbread decorating kits, an iPad, an active game for all to play together, your child’s favorite game, a paper tablecloth that has activities on it like tic tac toe, coloring, crosswords etc. I have found them at Walmart, Target, CVS etc. Bring ingredients to make hot cocoa, s’mores, crafts to make Christmas ornaments, markers, crayons, playdoh. Be sure to remember the supervision here! You will have to “DO WITH” them to avoid mishaps!
Sensory ideas are a MUST! This is why I also mentioned bringing an iPad. Some kids need to hide in a corner and decompress with headphones or ear plugs. If grandma always demands or leans right in for a hug, tell her to ask first! I remind my mom of this a lot. It breaks my heart, and she is sad because she has so much love to give! It is just too much for my sensory defensive daughter. She is learning to speak up for herself, too!
Overall, you would know best if your kiddo could handle a job, but make it just a simple little one, so that the job does not become more of a stress. You know your child best, so if this is not a good idea for your kiddo, don’t even try it. Maybe collecting coats when people arrive and retrieving them when they leave. Collecting wrapping paper when presents are unwrapped or passing snacks and hors d’oeuvres. More than anything, our kids do not know what to do when they are just visiting with others. They need activities. So, bring them! There are so many fun games for groups of people, but that typically gets too loud for my kiddos. Arts and crafts, hands-on activities work best for us.
Check the Itinerary
Share the Plan
Discuss Expectations & Support Strategies
Itineraries and plans are often a lot for our kids because they just cannot handle it all. If it is too much, plan to arrive late or leave early. Again, stay home and have small gatherings throughout the holiday season
My twins perseverate over plans, the unknown (i.e.. Not knowing what will happen at an event, how long we will stay or who will be there) so I don’t share too much of the plan too far in advance. That usually happens as we are about to leave anyway, so I don’t want to fuss about it for days. That is why we plan only one thing, take two vehicles, and expect that we may leave early.
Expectations from me or others are usually not a discussion that I make very long. For our kiddos, expectations are just premeditated resentment. If I give my kids a list of expectations, chances are quite good that they will not be able to do some of them or the demands and worry about knowing all those expectations will stress them out. Then I, my husband or family become frustrated, mad, or resentful. I try to keep my expectations VERY simple, not lowered, just lessened. If they start to have a tough time, there is no way they will handle “Just a few more minutes” or be able to “just calm down” or “stop that”. Thank you, Jeff Noble, for that insight! I get so many great suggestions from Jeff Noble’s FASD Success Show and Facebook group! If they are ready to go back home, then it is time to go back home.
I am adding this last suggestion for you.
Every Plan or Tradition Can Be Changed
I give gifts before Christmas often, because my kids perseverate over “getting it”. I used to try to hide gifts, but it just got too complicated, I couldn’t find great options for hiding, and could not take the constant bugging, questions and searching for items anymore. I try to just plan to give gifts for the week leading up to Christmas. I wish I had instituted the “Four Gifts for Christmas Rule”. You know, one thing to wear, one thing you need, one thing you want, and one thing to read. I also think for old enough kids especially gifts that are events or experiences are better, to leave memories of going to cool places with the gift giver.
Even the idea of Santa, the Easter Bunny etc. can be a lot for our kiddos. They can be extremely anxious about Christmas and other holiday characters. My twins freaked out over the idea of any magical being entering our house! My kids do not have “stranger danger” in general, but they do for some weird looking guy, elf or character entering our house when they are asleep? Big no there!The whole premise of Santa is that he knows if you have been bad or good. What if a child feels he is not good enough? Doesn’t that happen to our littles often? No matter how they reassure him, Laura’s son thinks that there is a good possibility that Santa will not come to their house. The anxiety can be crippling!
I am sure there are many more ideas and suggestions that we have not thought to add. Add them to the comments if you have any that you have found successful!