Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there!

By Kristen Eriksen

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there! 

If you are raising or have raised a child that is not your own by birth, Mother’s Day is an entirely different event. As wonderful as it is to have a special day to honor one’s mother, there are children who are not in contact with their mother, or whose relationship with their mother is not primary care, is contentious or is severed.

It wasn’t until I adopted my twins that I realized how much the traditional holidays and Hallmark card days can be triggering to them. Many people do not understand the raw emotion that is evoked on every birthday, every family celebration and every Mother's Day that you are not with your birth mother. 

It did not take me too long to notice that Mother’s Day was a triggering day for my twins. They do not know their birth mom. They were not yet two when she died. We always talked about it and about her on Mother's Day. I just now remember that we talked about planting a tree in our yard to commemorate her. I am embarrassed to say that I have forgotten about that for several years, and we have not yet planted said tree.

For 5 or 6 years, we celebrated Mother’s Day differently than most. There was an annual Mother’s Day 5 K run for Opioid Awareness in our town, and we spent the day volunteering at the event. My son was always on “traffic duty” sporting a neon orange or yellow shirt and safety vest, helping others to stop traffic, redirecting cars, and cheering on runners. My daughter waited at the finish line to cheer runners on and hand out flowers to runners as they finished the run. There was always a cookout at the end, and my husband and the twins would help cook burgers, etc. 

I talked with my twins about how we were doing this to honor their mother, who had substance use disorders for many years, and died of an overdose. I have often thought about her, and how much she must have struggled over the years. She did not raise any of her children. My twins did not have any contact with her after they were discharged from the NICU. They will never get to meet her or have any potential to have a relationship with her.

Sadly, due to the pandemic among other things, Nancy’s Mother’s Day Run-Walk is no more. Mother’s Day is only a day to celebrate with me, not in memory of their birth mom at this event. It is a stressful day here, because no matter how good, loving, caring yada yada whatever I am as a mother to them, I am not their birth mother. I did not give them life. The primal wound of adoption will always be there, and I so wish I could continue to spend the day volunteering at that 5 K. It filled our day with a purpose that is so much bigger than me, and so much easier for my twins to bear. This year, I think we need to plant that tree............

So, again I say “Happy Mother’s Day to ALL the moms out there. I found and love this graphic, but it does not include adoptive mothers..........so I will add that one myself!

In Peace and Love,

Kristen