There is Hope in Help and Strength in Numbers
By Kristen Eriksen
I can credit my mother with showing me how to put on my rose-colored glasses and how to view life through them. I have lost mine more times than I can remember now. I always find them and try to peek through the rosy hue of those lenses, but man is it hard to do lately!
There are so many great positive memes and quotes all over social media that can help, and some have great pictures. This one struck me recently, so I will share this as my introductory message!
Parenting children is hard. Parenting children with an FASD diagnosis is so much harder, and the journey can feel daunting like this ladder on the right. I chose the ladder on the left to highlight how I need to look at things on my parenting journey.
I listen to lots of FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder) Podcasts and am involved in many coaching support and Facebook support groups about FASD. They always deal with and talk about the struggles that we all face, but they also focus enormously on finding the wins we have, strengths our children have and some hope on our journey. One podcast is “FASD Hope” which obviously, by virtue of the title, looks for hope in every episode. Laura and I were recently interviewed for Natalie Vecchione’s “FASD Hope” Podcast, and she asked us about our messages of hope. We shared some of our ideas, but now I want to discuss a lot of the little hopes and wins we may forget to see along the way. You can listen to our episode here:
FASD Hope: 149 - MASS FAS - A Conversation with Kristen Eriksen and ...
I look for hope in the little things. The fact that, even though my teen-aged twins are too cool for their mom, they do spontaneously say “I love you.” They do tell me that I make Mac n cheese better than dad. My sensory defensive daughter, who hates to be touched, hugged, or kissed, will sit next to me, and slide her toes over to touch my leg. That is her hug, and I just have to accept it, stinky feet, and scratchy toenails and all!
Some mornings, as I start to get out of bed, I need to take a big sigh. I do not want to face a morning battle to get the twins off to school. It is always a battle. Sometimes, it goes more smoothly than others, and I sit and revel with that as I sip my morning coffee alone in peace after they are on the bus.
For quite a while, I have tried to get up earlier to make them breakfast and serve them in bed to give them a nice start and let them know that I love them. Honestly, it is also a way to wake them up gently, so things go more smoothly. Lately, my son does not want to eat it, so then I am mad about the effort I put in and the waste of food. (Sadly, I usually eat his chocolate chip pancakes, and have gained weight......I do not even like them but hate to waste!) I have stopped making them for him now but will start it up again in hopes of a reconnection. Lots of things go in waves for us all, so I will ride this one out.
Secondly, they do go to school. Many families struggle with school refusal, and I hardly ever do. (I pray I am not now cursing myself!) My children are in out of district schools, not public schools. That in and of itself is a big win for us. Their schools are not FASD informed, but I work on them a little bit whenever I can, and changes are being made.........slowly.
There are so many small wins that we all miss if we are not trying to find them. My twins are both working a bit and getting rave reviews from the mentor/boss about how hard they work. They do not do these things a lot at home, but I see that I am instilling good values in them. I know how hard they work at school, so I try to be sure they get their time to reboot after school. Chores are small and sometimes sporadic around here. I have to accept that and see the win in what else they can accomplish.
We do have troubles most days, but we do have wins too. It is so easy to forget them when our kids are struggling. I have found that now that I know so much more about FASD and how my children’s brain works differently, I have been able to make so many more changes in HOW I PARENT, that then I can see so many more ways that things have changed for the better. At the end of our FASD Hope podcast, Natalie came up with a nice little catch phrase that really summed it all up. “There is Hope in Help.” I have seen my children grow and change more since I have grown and changed myself through finding help. Learn from me! We have a hard job, and the most crucial thing that I have learned is that I cannot do it alone. I have found so many special people to add to my tribe, have attended seminars, am in coaching groups, and I am running our local support group with Laura. Honestly, I have learned as much from these great parents as I have been able to teach and help them. Do not do this alone. It is impossible to do this alone.
I have learned to have a mantra when things are going sideways. Mine is either “Just keep swimming” (Dorie from Finding Nemo) and “Disengage” (from The Incredibles). I do not always remember to use them, but they help. I say I am sorry when I get upset, triggered, or forget to try to accommodate them. I have tried to evaluate when we have difficulties finding out what they are seeking, and then try to approach the problem differently. I think I have already mentioned that everyone needs to read “Trying Differently Rather Than Harder” by Diane Malbin.
Yesterday, I also listened to three great episodes of FASD Success Show with Jeff Noble, so I want to share them here as well. A while back, he did an episode called “Ask Me Anything.” Episode two is his most recent episode, and I thought it was the BOMB!!!! So, I then went back to listen to the first “Ask Me Anything” episode. I will link them both below along with an episode with an adult woman with FASD who just blew me away with her candid explanation of her life, and insight into her disability. Here are the links to all these episodes.
#112 Ask Me Anything about FASD with Jeff Noble - FASD Success
#126 Ask Me Anything about FASD with Jeff Noble ROUND 2
#125 Heather Vickers 51 Years of FASD Experience - fasdsuccess.com
Always remember to look for the wins, as small as they may be, and find “Hope in Help.” If you are in Massachusetts looking for support and friendship with others who “get it”, join our group. Go to massFAS, or MASSFAS - Home - Facebook and message us! If you are looking for more training and coaching ideas, we can help you find them. Just keep swimming!