My husband and I have two children. Our daughter is a 10-year-old neurotypical kid. Our son is 8 and has FASD. Our daughter has always struggled with having a sibling with FASD. Over the last two years things have picked up with our son’s aggression and our daughter’s stress levels.  

 She is witnessing anger and aggression, and even though we explained to her about his FASD she does not understand why he acts the way he does. He looks “normal”. As we all know FASD is an invisible disability, and because of this, we struggle as parents.  Neighbors and schools do not understand our children. I have been yelled at by other parents because of the way our son acts. We get comments from teachers. Our son has been excluded from birthday parties.  

Parenting these two different children is difficult for us. Often my husband and I split the weekends up with the kids. I take our daughter out while he stays at home with our son, who easily becomes dysregulated when not at home. This gives them much needed time away from each other. It gives her a chance to be a typical kid. She can go out and we do not have to worry if her brother is going to have a tough time, meaning that we must curtail the outing. 

Today I asked her to write about her feelings about what it is like to have a brother with FASD. She wrote: 

I have a brother who has FASD. He can be very loud at times. He also talks a lot and loves to build Legos. But sometimes I feel left out like everything is about him.  

Recently, I found some important information FASD United Colorado released I thought I would share. We are doing our best and trying to set as much time aside with our daughter.  

Is My Child Afraid to Tell Me That He Doesn’t Like His Sibling with an FASD?  

Kids might hate the problems associated with an FASD but still love their siblings. FASD can be confusing because your child may not look disabled. He or she might have a typical IQ but have emotional and behavioral problems. People with an FASD often misinterpret social cues. They might say their sibling is angry with them when there’s nothing wrong. Your children might wonder what their sibling’s problem is or why he or she can’t just “get it together.”  

Other feelings siblings might have include  

• ¨  Jealousy or anger about all the attention the child with an FASD gets. They may see a sibling with an FASD getting attention for having problems and act out to get attention. They might pretend to have problems with their schoolwork or complain of illness so that they can get attention too.  

• ¨  Anger about being different from other families. Your children might be upset that your family does not do things other families do.  

• ¨  Isolation and loneliness or feeling that no one else has the same feelings or experiences. Because of the stigma associated with FASD, your children’s friends might be uncomfortable hearing about it and might not want to talk about it.  

• ¨  Guilt for feeling angry or resentful or for not having a disability. Some siblings may feel they are to blame for their brother or sister’s disability.  

• ¨  Embarrassment about the sibling’s behavior or appearance. Siblings who do not have an FASD might avoid contact with their brother or sister or not invite their friends home.  

What Can I Do to Help My Children Cope with Their Sibling’s FASD?  

You can help siblings adjust in several ways:  

• ¨  Give each of your children individual time without interruption. You might need help from your spouse or partner, a friend, or a relative. But it’s important for your kids to know that they don’t have to have a disability to get your attention. You may want to schedule individual time with each child.  

• ¨  Assure your children who don’t have an FASD that their feelings are okay. Ask them how they feel about having a sibling with an FASD. Encourage them to express their feelings openly.  

• ¨  Help your children accept their sibling’s FASD. They can be angry about the FASD but they still have to be nice to their sibling. After all, no one chooses to have an FASD. You can teach them ways to deal with any bad feelings that arise, such as leaving the room, counting to 10, or writing about it. Anger management skills help in any relationship.  

• ¨  Remind your child that differences make the world more interesting. People with an FASD are different, but they aren’t bad. And we’re all human. A sibling with an FASD may do embarrassing things sometimes such as being clumsy or interrupting others. But guess what? The child without an FASD might embarrass his or her sibling at times too.  

Adapted from the booklet “My Sibling Has a Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder: Can I catch it?” published 2006 by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Center for Substance Abuse Prevention, www.samhsa.gov  

Here is a link with some great information on Helping your kids understand their sibling’s FASD